Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets
angry, he'll be a mile away-and barefoot.
every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
Men are from
earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
If you look like your passport
picture-you probably need the trip.
Always yield to temptation-because it may not pass your way again.
travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel
Eat well-stay fit-die anyway.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
balanced diet is a (chocolate) cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of hips
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you throw away
three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
is no match for natural stupidity.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage
you a mechanic.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides
a nice contrast to the real world.
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the
are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to